Ramblings of a Bohemian Princess

Today's Brainteaser

2006-10-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's 2:00 AM. I am taking a break from writing, giving my muse a rest. I have been hearing a rooster crow for about 15 minutes. WTF? I don't live in the country. Maybe it's a sick dog. Is that likely? Doubt it.

If you are bored, test your cleverness.

Look at the two photos.

They are identical except for 3 things in the picture.

If you can figure out the 3 things that are different then you are in the same league as a genius.

(You may have to copy and paste the link in your browser.) Let me know if you find all three; I only found two, and I thought I was pretty good at noticing details.)

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Did you ever just think it was a great idea...at the time?

2006-10-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Only to realize...You're an idiot.

Me?

Nah, never.

I don't think it through in the first place.

I OVER-analyze it later.

Keep your pecker up!

Ali

The Guatemalan Handshake

2006-09-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Today we are going to the Independent Film Festival to see THE GUATEMALAN HANDSHAKE. My adorable cousin, Jason was a producer. I am really excited to finally see it. Yesterday they were having a promo event at the hotdog stand across from the theatre. They were selling "Guatemalan Handshake Hot Dogs." And by eating one of these special dogs you would receive a free pass to see the movie. In trying to be a good sport, my husband got one of these disastrous hot dogs which features the regular weenie on a bun...topped with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and a cherry on top. Did I mention the chaser of chocolate milk? He ate about 1/2 of it when my son wanted to try it and proceeded finish it and beg for another. Then they filmed it on video leading to all kinds drama he put on for the camera.

_You're gonna be a STAR Baby!

Or so he thinks. But then when I asked him what his favorite part of the day was he said grabbing his crotch.

Parents....Are you with me here? Do you ever look at these creatures and say, "Good God! How did I give birth to you?"

Of course I am horrible because I laugh at him. I just can't help myself. So, when he's in therapy, he can blame it all on me.

I'm off to see the film.

Keep your pecker up!

Ali

Teachers still drive me crazy!

2006-09-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

My son in 2nd grade has a substitute teacher while his regular teacher is on maternity leave. I am getting notes home on a daily basis... "Gabriel, is not paying attention." "Gabriel was playing in the bathroom." "Gabriel talked when I told them to be quiet." and the last one.... "Gabriel was turning around and keeping others from learning." I sent back a note that said "HOW?" I also sent her a note that said, "This is going to be a L-O-N-G 8 weeks isn't it?" I am finally reduced to telling her that what happens in the class needs to STAY in class. I am not going to punish him again, at home, for something he has already gotten punished for, in school. Unless it is disrespectful or dangerous, I don't need to hear about it. This is teacher territory. I don't send her notes that say: Gabriel didn't put his dirty underware in the basket or Gabriel ran out of the house naked or Gabriel didn't go to bed on time and expect her to punish him for it. He's a good kid. He's a very active, creative, 7 year old pain in the ass. He has quite a spirit and I do not want it crushed. He has a sweet heart an abundance of energy. He makes me smile. XX

Ali

Sleep....Who needs it?

2006-09-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've been awake for days. This is nothing new. Who needs sleep? I feel like I wander the earth in an insomniac dream. Is that why reality looks so distorted at times? Is that why panic can over-take and crush the life right out of you? Is that why I rarely drink and undertake the xanax? Control. It's a nasty trait. You hold it all together until it unravels. Unravels. I am getting into my new character's head and discovering a whole lot of things I didn't want to know about myself. I wonder if I am afraid to sleep because the images are too vivid. Almost more so than the waking moments.

Yes, I am getting tired, but I will fight it like I always have. Tick tick tick. The clock becomes the enemy. The night is my solace. shhhh. Let me get this out so I can let it go. Dream for me and I'll daydream about you.

Ali

Spider update!!!

2006-09-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

I walked out tonight to find it feasting in it's web on....

Are you ready for this?

A baby lizard!!!

What is that about? How does that happen? Damn, it's going to be huge! I shall try not to piss it off.

Keep your pecker up! xx

Ali

Said the spider to the fly...

2006-09-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I was up watching our newest, non rent paying tennant. He is one of the biggest, scariest looking spiders I have ever seen in my life. Now, I am by no means a live and let live girl when it comes to bugs. I'm pretty much a, 'you cross my path and your history' girl when it comes to nasty creatures. What can I say? My conscience is clear.

Sorry bug lovers.

Anyway, back to the story... I am in awe of this big spider. He keeps me silent company when I step outside to smoke. He sits in the middle of his beautiful web waiting for dinner. Now, I did have to free a firefly that happened to get tangled, but he kept flashing an S.O.S. and that HAS to be worth something. Every morning, he cleans up his web and disappears, only to reappear as the sun begins to fade. I can relate to this. I am up most of the night, thankful for those few minutes of quiet. No matter how loud my mind is screaming I can force it to be quiet to listen to the hush of night.

So, my little friend is completely cool and safe...Unless he happens to find his way out of the web and in my reach, then all bets are off.

Ali

Old prostitutes and date with a gay man...How's your weekend been?

2006-09-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

I went to the opening night of the play "The Oldest Profession" which one of my dearest friends played an aging prostitute in New York. She played Ursula, the bitchy Madame wanna-be. Anyway, they each die off and it was beautiful, sad, hilarious and a bit LONG. And just for those of you who were curious...When they died, they went to heaven...And heaven was that great Whorehouse in the sky. I know every man is breathing a sigh of relief at that one. Except for my date, who happened to be my daughter's gay ballet teacher. I mean, he was the perfect one to see this with! He enjoyed the show-tuney numbers as much as I did. We had a great time. Now I am back to work as I have two books I am writing simultaneously. I like them both though one is not very taxing on my creative energy and the other is fucking amazing. God bless the muse! When she is happy life is sweet! Hope your weekend is going as well!

Keep your pecker up!

Ali

Coincidence? I think not...

2006-08-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

Can you tell which one is the dog we just rescued? We named her Princess Padiddlehopper. She walks on her toes as if dancing. She does not realize how big she is. If she had a tutu and tiara she would remind me of the dancing hippo from Fantasia. The lady told us that the person who gave it to her said she was a tea cup chihuahua. I'm thinking Crockpot Chihuahua if anything. I do believe I could pass her off as a pot belly pig...What do you think?

Ali

Learning to swim

2006-08-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

The Princess is Feeling Quite Blue Today

2006-07-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, the funeral went as well as those horrible, gut-wrenching things ever do. Though the reception was beautiful and went off without a hitch. But it is very sad.

Then, as if the day didn't suck enough...My beautiful, ten year old dog, Stoli died at 12:15 AM. I think I shall crawl into a cave for the rest of the week. It is starting to sound like the book, SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS, around here.

Anyway, whining Princesses are no fun! I shall slink off on my own for awhile. But for everyone who thinks I'm being anti-social...Don't take it personally. It has been a rough few weeks around here. I'll come visit soon.

Ali

Tale of the Missing Princess Vol. II

2006-07-24T19:26:00.002-07:00

The Missing Princess should be relocated in about 3 days. My best friend's mother passed away and I am going to help plan the reception after the funeral. I basically feel like a miserable bitch at the moment because I can't make things better. It sucks and I am feeling a bit swallowed up by the world at the moment. So instead of whining aloud, I shall sulk quietly and emerge my charmingly quirky, smartass self as soon as I am out of my funk.

Love and xx's

The Missing Princess

Where did the Bohemian Princess go?

2006-07-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

It seems she has gone missing temporarily. I'll have her write when she shows up! xx Missing Princess

Oh, so much better!

2006-06-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am now surrendering to the fact that she is on her own and doing quite well. She still calls me 5 or 6 times a day. Most of the time these conversations consist of:

Tallulah: Hey Mom!

Me: Hey Chicky! How's it going?

T: Great! I just wanted to check in with you. I've got to go now. My friends are waiting.

Me: Ok, Love. I'll talk to you later. I love you.

T : All right. I love you too. Bye!

And she's gone.

This is actually quite reassuring. Just the fact that she's thinking of me when she is with her friends makes me happy. Now my sadness is beginning to fade into pride. She's a good kid and I am glad she can stand on her own, knowing that I am still with her every step of the way.

But, I can't wait to see her on Sunday.

Have a great weekend! xx Ali

I left my heart...in Tuscaloosa.

2006-06-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are. The time every parent dreads. The letting go phase.

On Saturday I brought my daughter to American Ballet Theatre's Summer Intensive. I am so proud of her. This is a huge accomplishment in her little life. She left and turned 13 on the same day. So, here we go.

She seems to be doing well. She's happy and she misses me, but not enough to be miserable. Isn't that great?

OK, then why do I feel like my heart is being ripped out? This sucks! I'm not coping well, I'm afraid.

All day, on the verge of tears, but unwilling to surrender to the emptiness I feel. What is so stupid, is that I just don't want her to forget that I love her. I know it sounds ridiculous. The rational side of me knows that isn't going to happen, but that irrational heart of mine just won't listen to my head. Bastard!

Anyway, I just had to vent now, because when she calls I have to put on my happy voice because she is so connected to me that she will pick up on any trace of sadness in my voice and it will make her miserable and that CANNOT happen. So, hold it together a little longer, sister. Only 19 more fucking days to go.

Nothing at all...

2006-06-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry to be such a lazy slug. Nothing to say...Too busy writing. Just nothing journal-worthy at the moment. Share some excitement with me. xx Ali

I LOVE writing checks!

2006-05-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

Now, don't get me wrong...I hate spending money, because it is almost ALWAYS on bills, but that's not a story for today. Today we discuss the ART of check writing.

I don't know where I have been all these years, but I just happened to actually notice the little "for" box on the bottom of the check. It just sits there, empty, waiting for an explanation, or at the very least a sarcastic comment to give it purpose. This is fun! I have now been filling in the "for" line with all kind of wicked things. Like:

1. Hush Money

2. Drug Deal

3. Paternity testing

4. Services Rendered

5. Ransom

6. Bribery

7. Sex

If you have anything better let me know.

Have a great one!

Ali

P.S.- It is 2:11 AM. If you don't hear from me soon send out the troops. While I am typing, an Elmo doll is talking in the playroom. No one is in there. The bastard just decided to start talking. I've seen that damn movie! Next thing you know, he'll start running around the house with I knife. Well, not this time Elmo! I'll be ready.

Sweet, little me?!! ; ^ )

2006-05-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

You Are 60% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Happy Mother's Day!!

2006-05-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day, you mothers! ;^) And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. xx Ali

Too funny!

2006-05-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

I always said I was Tinkerbell in go-go boots...Here you go!

2006-05-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Letter of Resignation....

2006-05-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

My first grader, Gabriel handed me his letter of resignation yesterday as he got in the car from school. I did however inform him that while I was quite proud of his formality on the issue, I would not be able to accept his resignation because he is screwed for the next L----O----N----G 11 years. After that, he is on his own. He explained that school is just BORING and he would not need it for his future as a booty shaker!

What ambition! Gotta love this kid!

First Communion

2006-05-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

I am getting ready for Julian's First Communion this Sunday. You know the deal, house to clean, plans to organize, guests from out of town...All so he can turn out to be less of a heathen than me! Keep your fingers crossed.

xx Ali

Make a joyful noise...NOT

2006-04-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!

It is a beautiful day! We woke up and got the whole crew ready for Mass. Everyone was on their best behavior, except me. At my parent's church there is a long standing tradition of song leaders that CAN NOT SING! It is like a bad American Idol blooper reel. I know what they say, the fact that they are offering of themselves is pleasing to God.

Does anyone actually believe that?

I mean, come on. If you are offering of yourself, yet distracting the entire congregation with a voice that sounds like a cat in a garbage disposal suffering a very long, loud and painful death, it can't be good for anyone. Not that I think I could do better, which is why I AM NOT A SONG LEADER! Finally, by the end of the service I was reduced to a fit of giggles. The more I tried to stop, the less control I had. It was one of those, tears rolling down your cheeks, giggle fits that I usually save for much more inappropriate times. (Yes, I'm a riot at funerals!) How immature! Here my kids are being angels, and I am the wicked one! That is about par for the course around here!

Now, as a penance for my evil ways, Mr Bohemian Princess will be out of town for the week leaving me alone with the MONSTERS! Can you say Par-tay! Oh yeah, we'll go play all day and be up all night watching movies, being goofy and eating whatever garbage we please...Oh yeah, we do that anyway. Oh well...

Where ARE my Xanax?

Have a great one!

Ali

9 things I hate about everyone...

2006-04-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

I normally hate getting crap emails. This one I love!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Winning Game and Faerie Tea...

2006-04-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, I can not even begin to convey my excitement over my boys winning their first soccer game in 2 years! We had some family friends bring out their 8th and ninth grade daughters to help them at practice Friday. It really seemed to help get them over the intimidation factor and on Saturday the played like super stars! It was beautiful! A 7-2 victory!

Then I took Lili to a faerie tea at the Botanical Gardens. My oldest will be dancing in Peter Pan this weekend and this was part of their master plan to boost ticket sales (and con me out of another $40 for tickets.) Anyway, it will be wonderful and I will spend the rest of the week at the civic center strapping my friend Amanda into a crocodile costume, pushing her ass on stage and running around the back of the stage to drag her off and free her from the horrible contraption. Poor baby!

I'll come around to visit everyone soon!

Ali

Klutz-o-matic

2006-03-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

What the hell?

I fell down the steps on the front porch, ran over something in the road, with a horrible clank, and my dogs chewed a hole (a dog-sized hole) in my bathroom door. It is spring break here and we have barely hit 50 degrees. I have agonized over letters sent, chapters written and re-written, waited for a response.

Break out the champagne, I need some sleep.

Ali

I always cry at weddings?!

2006-03-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

I have just attended the beautiful, (and VERY controversial) wedding of Lucky and Bon Bon the eddy bear. (At least someone is getting Lucky tonight!)

They are the lesbian, bear, newlyweds of my 2 year old, Pippa and 4 year old, Lelia.

they had a lovely wedding.

The brides wore, a Celtic dress and a pink chiffon number.

Love filled the air as Pippa serenaded us with Laurie Berkner's I KNOW A CHICKEN.

After honeymooning in the toy chest, they will reside on Tempation Island with a million hot bears. Will they remain faithful, or will stress and unfulfilled expectations leave them broken hearted?

Who knows? But we had one hell of a party. Everyone had done one too many shots of orange juice by the end, but I am keeping those pictures safely tucked away.

By the way...I forgot to tell you, I had to make a plate of toast with butter because Lili informed me that we MUST have a wedding toast! Who am I to judge?

Calgon...Take Me Away!

2006-03-11T22:59:00.000-08:00

I am in commercial mode.

I definitely need an escape...soon!

There is too much to do. Too many things going on. Too many people pulling me in too many directions.

I am just pulling my hair out.

The Muse

2006-03-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

She is nagging me night and day. I can hardly keep her quiet so I can sleep. Good thing I don't require much sleep. It makes me happy, which always wins out over cranky and tired. This story has already started out much darker than the first. It is funny how you can appear to be a perfectly normal (I am sure I hit normal on someone's standards) from the outside, but then you sit at the computer and this wonderfully wretched story builds itself from the deepest, darkest corridors of your imagination. Then your art gives you away. It betrays the depraved side you have kept hidden. But it is so funny! In a smartass,-me- kind of way. Where did all of this anger and vicious wit come from?

I'll never tell.

But it makes me: Happy Happy Happy!

Ali

Just because I'm jealous of Live Journal, I'll tell you I am listening to Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party (Now, how's that for a blast from the past!)

What a Dope

2006-02-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

Cannabis smoker complained to police 10:18 Friday 17th February 2006 Ananova:

A cannabis smoker has been arrested after complaining to police that he was sold bad weed. Hans-Juergen Bendt, 52, from Darmstadt, lodged a complaint about his dealer with police after he sold him seven ounces of "completely un-enjoyable" hash. Bendt complained the dealer refused to refund him the £270 he had paid for the drugs. But despite the official complaint, in which Bendt described himself as a victim of "fraud" involving drugs of "absolutely mediocre quality", the officers failed to act upon the allegations and booked the complainant instead. He is now being charged for the illegal purchase and possession of narcotic substances.

*************************************

I guess that is why they call it dope! Why am I picturing Cheech and Chong..."Lard ass, lard ass!" If you haven't seen Up in Smoke for awhile, it is still just as funny.

Have a great weekend!

Ali

Ohno!

2006-02-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

Talk about melting the ice! This guy is too cute. Funny, I don't remember enjoying speed skating so much when Bonnie Blair was skating.

Mai Kitty

2006-02-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

http://www.GlitterMaker.com/ - Glitter Graphics We have a new addition to the Clan of the Bohemian Princess! This is Mai Kitty. Yes, I know she is a dog. She was named Kitty because she is smaller than a cat. I think it's cute so we're sticking with it.

Hell has Frozen Over!

2006-02-13T06:09:00.000-08:00

It snowed in Alabama! Not enough to get the snowboard out or anything, but I do believe that hell has frozen over. It snowed quite heavy for about 20 minutes, however the ground was too warm for it to stick around. Oh well! We'll take what we can get.

I Want To Do This!!!

2006-02-11T06:12:00.000-08:00

The Bohemian Princess is restless!

Anyone have Shaun White's number?

Ali

Tagged, damnit

2006-02-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

I have escaped this by the skin of my teeth, so far. Until the lovely Tallulah,(My oldest daughter) got me. So, I need to tell five interesting things about me. Interesting is so subjective. But, I will stop over-analyzing and just give you my list.

1. I almost became a jockey. At seventeen, it seemed the perfect career for one of my stature. I love horses. I love the excitement of the races. It was incredible, until my career ambition was cut short by a kick in the side of the head by a horse, resulting in the loss of my peripheral vision.

2. Along the same lines, I used to handicap races for a while. Yes, I sold a tip sheet to the heavy betters. Usually fell about 85% in the money. They loved me.

3. The best gift I ever received as a child was a typewriter. At seven years old I wrote my own newspapers, stories and typed memos to everyone (very professional). It was great for my overactive imagination.

4. I look at everything through a writer's eye. It is quite different. Anything can spark an idea for a story. I have many notebooks full of ideas and character sketches that are just dying to make themselves heard. Which ever one that screams the loudest gets chosen to be my newest fascination.

5. I am not a team player. I am also not a good leader because of my inability to delegate. I am a control freak. I like to just grab the bull by the horns and do everything by myself, so I know it is done right. This contributes to my insanity.

EXTRA :

6. I can not pretend to be something I am not. I am too open. What you see is definitely what you get. Neurotic, creative, slightly obsessive compulsive, wickedly sarcastic,`crying at the end of EVERY movie and some commercials, completely freaked out by the Gene Wilder version of Oompa Loompas, feircely protective of people I love...Charmingly Quirky Me!

P.S.- I will only tag Amanda since everyone else has seemed to be tagged already. DONE!

Tomorrow I'm making a break for it.

2006-02-02T06:07:00.000-08:00

I have not been able to drive for seven days. Ok, maybe I cheated once or so...But I can't stand having my wings clipped! I have excessive energy and no time for resting.

Everyone tells me to take advantage and enjoy it.

I'm just not that kind of girl! Unless I am in excessive pain, which I am not in terribly often, because I have an insanely high pain tolerance. (Coupled with an insanely low tolerance for pain meds, so it is only Motrin for me.) I have wasted enough time down. It's time to move!

Have a great weekend!

I plan to, even if it does, in some form, consist of watching the Super Bowl! Not a football girl either, but we might miss a glimpse of a nipple during the halftime show...Oh never mind, it's The Stones!

What the hell, show us a little nipple, Mick!

Ali

You just can't keep a crazy person down!

2006-01-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hello loves! I am back! Everything went well. The last two days were a bitch but today I am on my way to the galleria with the heathens to buy a gift for Pippa's birthday. She will be 2, February 9th. I love February babies. They are the sweetest little valentines. Oh well, I will check with you later and let you know if I survived. xxx Ali P.S.- for anyone who has not heard.. My oldest daughter, Tallulah, was accepted to ABT's summer intensive in Tuscaloosa. She is so excited! We are so very proud of her! I know she will be fabulous!

2006-01-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

The Universe is upside down!

2006-01-16T11:21:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to get a grasp on what day it is. Monday. No school, yet ballet never stops. This is following the weekend of hell with my daughter auditioning for the ABT Summer Intensive. That nightmare began Friday evening when we had to get her picture re-taken because the first was not up to Ms. Adriana's Standards. My printer does not do pictures well so I took the flash card to WalMart to get it printed.

I went to the kiosk and the picture was nowhere to be found on the card. I guess I forgot to actually transfer it to the card before I left. The guy behind the counter told me to go get it ready and he would have the picture for me after 10:00 am. I need the picture before 8:00 am. He told me to try Walgreens.

After the quick trip home to put the picture on the card AND on a CD just to be sure I have a copy of the picture, I find a Walgreen's. I found myself staring at the young guy who tried to help me because of his...Earrings. I hesitate to say earrings because they were actually large metal pieces, that you could fit a small apple through, stretching his earlobes. Small children could easily mistake him for a jungle gym, but whatever gets him through the day. He tells me the pictures will be ready in 20 minutes. That is a good thing considering it is now 11:15 PM and I still have ribbons and elastics to sew on new ballet and pointe shoes.

Easy, right?

Sure, because my life just moves that smoothly. Not quite!

In less than five minutes, earring boy comes looking for me to tell me that in the picture of the ballerina they have to cut her leg off, is that ok? I (having a coronary) explain that they need her leg in the picture. "How about her arm?" he asks.

NO! We need ALL body parts in the picture.

So he asks me to come with him and help him figure out how to make the machine not crop.

Isn't this supposed to be HIS area of expertise?!

After he printed 34, some odd pictures we finally got it right. So at midnight, I am back in the car heading home. I sew, get her paperwork ready and we leave the house at 7:30 for the audition and I had to keep reminding myself that the bitchy 12 year old in the seat next to me, who would bite my head off if I looked at her, would turn back into my sweet daughter as soon as the audition was over.

She did.

Moving on to my two year old, the punk rocker. She happened to climb on the bathroom cabinet and find what was left over from color for my hair. She came in the den with a huge glob of hair color in the middle of her head. We washed immediately yet she now has a lovely shade of gold highlights RIGHT in the crown of her head. If her future as a graffiti or tattoo artist does not pan out I think hairstyling might be an option.

Surprisingly, the usual suspects, (Lelia 4, Gabriel 6 and Julian 8) have been no trouble at all. The universe is upside down!

Holy Mother of God!

2006-01-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

That's all.

For those of you who have not decided yet...

2006-01-04T07:22:00.000-08:00

I already told you, I am NOT a resolution girl.

I did try the resolution randomizer to see what it suggested. I think I could make this one work for me. What do you think? Try your luck...

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Moon the cameras in the parking garage.

Get your resolution here

Many good Ethel candidates...Keep sending applications. We may start a worldwide team, in our attempts to rule the universe.

Searching for Ethel....

2006-01-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

I am not a resolution girl. I tend to be a 'live with chaos' kind of person. (with five wild beasts, who'd have guessed!) It is simply the ability to make the chaos work for you, that separates the insane from the moderately off kilter. I prefer to think of myself as charmingly, quirky. ;^)

This year should prove to be interesting. I hate even numbered years, usually. (there is that charmingly, quirky bit.) That being said, 2006 has got to be better. I allowed myself be knocked down a bit in this past year and have demanded that it WILL CEASE, AT ONCE. My strength is gathering and I am prepared to fight for my little sliver of sanity that remains. I know where to find it. I usually keep it tucked away for emergencies. But, the guard is being assembled and I am claiming my independence. So, stay out of my war zone and watch me go.

Unfortunately, I tend to think like an episode of I LOVE LUCY. Curses! I knew I watched one too many episodes of that show! Hopefully I will come up with some good schemes to get me through this new year. Either way, a metamorphosis is in the process and it should make for an interesting new year.

If anyone would like to apply for the role of Ethel, e-mail me your qualifications.

Here is the criteria:

1. Must always be supportive.

2. Must NEVER talk me out of crazy schemes.

3. Must be willing to make a fool of yourself on a fairly regular basis, while I work my charmingly, quirky mojo.

4. Must have a secret back-up plan to help bail me out of trouble.

5. The ability to laugh and make ME laugh is a must!

I know you are out there Ethel Mertz. I don't care if you are male or female. I just need a noble, trouble loving sidekick.

Who's in?

Love and xx,

Ali

Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T05:34:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all!

EUTUCISMENOS O KAINOURIOS CRONOS! Een gelukkig Nieuwjaar voor iedereen! Bonne année Merveilleus por tous! Allen ein frohes Neues Jahr! Chronia Pola! Nayee Saal Kee Badhi hoo! Saehae Bock Mani ba deu sei yo! Volo omnes felicem novum annum habere! Xin nian kuai le! Feliz ano novo! ¡Prospero año nuevo! Blwyddyn Newydd Dda! Gutes Neues Jahr! Shanah tovah! Buon Capo d'Anno! Aith-bhliain Fe Nhaise Dhuit!

Please forgive and feel free to correct mis-spellings! Anyone I forgot...sorry!

I hope the new year brings you all things WONDERFUL!

much love and xx

Ali

NOT The Crazy Cat Lady

2005-12-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

We all know at least one of them. They are surrounded by cats. They have tiny cat hairs covering their oversized, floral clothing. Their house smells like a litter box. They may not be able to pay the bills, but by God the cat's get food...

That being said, I get the feeling I am being set up. I had two cats show up. One ran away only to be replaced by an outside cat named Jemima. Now it looks as if Jemima is knocked up by her new friend we just call Wicked. I am assuming he is the father because she is supremely pissed off at him. Every time he gets near her, she just looks him in the eye and hisses. It is actually quite accurate. Though they are both sitting on my front porch calling to me.

So, note to WHOEVER is sending the damn cats....I DON'T LIKE FLORAL OVERSIZED CLOTHES SO BACK THE FUCK OFF!

Other than that things are as they should be. Music (or something that vaguely resembles it) fills my house. I am still so much in post-traumatic mode from the last month of Christmas hell, that the sound of children whining is completely drowned out by the buzzing in my head. You know, like a neon sign flickering and fighting to stay lit, even though it is about to spark and cause a major electrical fire.

So, my thought for the day is Burn Baby Burn! Light me up and bring it on.

The HOT Tamale

(not the crazy cat lady...yet)

Merry Christmas!!!

2005-12-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all...Feliz Navidad , Vesele Vanoce, Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo, Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun ,Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo, Joyeux Noel ,Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ùr! , Nollaig Shona Dhuit, or Nodlaig mhaith chugnat ,Buone Feste Natalizie , Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia or Boze Narodzenie, Kala Christouyenna!, Sarbatori vesele , Nadolig Llawen !

For my Jewish Friends--Happy Chanukah!

For any Kwanzaa celebrators...Whatever you do.

Much Love and kisses

Ali

Jingle Bells reversed

2005-12-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

Click the title to hear what happens when you play Jingle Bells in reverse...

Julian's Birthday.

2005-12-19T02:57:00.000-08:00

Yes,

It has already been said that I lost my mind. But look how much fun! The whole gang got in on the act at one point, or another. Check out the kazoo AND maracas action Lili's got going on.

Now I can switch gears again and get ready for Christmas.

AHHHH!

No, silent blog screaming does NOT work as well as the real thing. I think I'll go find a place to scream. I hope you are all ready for Christmas. If not, tell me, so I feel better. ;^)

Keep your peckers up.

Ali

Naughty or Nice?

2005-12-16T00:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, let's make it real simple?

Are we making the naughty or nice list this year?

The Bohemian Princess appears to be shooting for naughty.

How about you?

It's been a long time

2005-12-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

I have been in the midst of Nutcracker madness around here. There were four performances and my beloved daughter Tallulah was in them. She was Snow, Waltz and Ribbon Candy...and the best damn part of the show if you ask me! ;^)

Now, as for me, get out the idiot stamp and once again stamp it across my forehead.

My daughter's jazz teacher, Amanda, who has also become a dear friend of mine, asked me to sign up as coordinator for a breakfast and dinner. It was a reunion celebration for their 10th year performing The Nutcracker. I asked what was involved...she said, delegating and helping her keep her sanity. I agreed because after all, who can't delegate?...........A control freak, that's who. And damnit, we all know who that is.

I have never planned an event for 80-100 people. Everyone asked what they could do, but I had no idea what I was doing, how could I tell them what to do?

So, I haven't slept or eaten in over a week. It came and went quite nicely, with me getting everything arranged and done then making a quick appearance as people arrived and hiding in a quiet kitchen or stairwell, as the rooms got claustrophobicly crowded with munchkins and their keepers, um... I mean parents. (I don't know if you actually heard my pulse quicken or feel my cold sweat of terror when I said that, so you'll just have to take my word.)

Anyway, all is done and their were even a few highlights to the whole process. First of all, it kept my mind free of alot of unrelated stress that has been threatening to take me under for a while. I am deciding not to let it drown me. I am learning to swim masterfully and even those dangerous waters look far less frightening at the moment. Maybe next time I'll say, what the fuck and jump in, but who knows? ;^)

I know nothing. I am tired but I can't sleep. I feel creative, but I can't write, so I have been painting.

I'm glad to be back.

Kisses, Ali

Nightmares

2005-12-04T03:46:00.000-08:00

A nightmare. I guess that is what it was. I was in the middle of a dream...

It wasn't frightening, in the least. I can't remember exactly what I was doing, but this man's voice piped in over my dream.

He said, "It's ok, Ali. Don't be scared. You are about to die."

Yeah, one favor, if I am about to die, don't give me a fucking warning, and don't tell me not to be afraid. It is my death and I'll be scared if I want to.

Well I realized that this voice was talking over my dream, so I struggled to pull myself OUT of the dream. It was very difficult. I felt like I could see everything around me, yet I couldn't open my eyes for what seemed an eternity.

Now, I am up, and really don't want to go to sleep again, even though I am exhausted.

I don't know where the voice came from, but it sounded like the Treasurer of my School Board. Go figure. If he is the one in charge of such matters, I don't think I'm gonna like where I'm going. ;^)

That, coupled with the fact that my daughter asked this afternoon where I wanted my ashes spread when I die. I said, "Nowhere. I'm not ready to go yet. But if I do go, I want to be put in small vials and sent home as party favors."

Wouldn't that be hilarious? Can't you imagine the looks on their faces?

Morbidly funny.

Ok, I'm still not planning to go anywhere, but I feel much better.

Imagine that!

2005-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

VERY SAD NEWS

There will be no Live Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in

Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason,

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capital.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to

Fill the stable

This made me smile!

Ali

Step Away from my Daughter!

2005-11-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

When does it happen? You have a daughter who is beautiful and sweet. She is not interested in boys, except as friends. She has been friends with two boys since first grade, one of which has a mother that refers to my daughter as his girlfriend. My daughter's response was, "He will have to work alot harder if he wants to be my boyfriend. He does not give me near the kind of attention I deserve."

She has another 'friend' who keeps sending notes to say he has a crush on her. THese little quizes that say, which boy do you like best? Who is the coolest boy you know? Who do you have a crush on? Her responses were, My brother Julian, My brother Gabriel and NO ONE AT ALL!

I explained that she had to be sweet, because she just basically told this boy that she liked everyone else besides him.

I am seeing spinster in her future. Jeez! Then, she stopped hearing from the boy. Go fucking figure!

She sends him an email two days ago that says, Are you mad at me or just ignoring me? I am beginning to get my feelings hurt.

He responds with: I am so sorry! I am not mad or ignoring you! I LOVE YOU!!! I have not been able to get to the computer. I LOVE YOU!

Her father had a coronary as he walked past the computer and read the I LOVE YOU in huge letters, twice.

Her response to the boy: That's more like it. You are forgiven.

Just shoot me now please.

You can't keep a good man down...

2005-11-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

Oh I know...However, I ran across this and couldn't resist:

Click on title to go to link

Ali

Keep your pecker up!

2005-11-25T02:55:00.000-08:00

I am re-posting this. I use the phrase fairly often and thought you might want to hear why...or not. HAve a great one! Ali This absolutely made me cackle! Part of my book is set in Wales, so I need a bit of British slang to throw in for the local characters. When I read "Keep your pecker up" it made me laugh out loud because the definition read: This is one way of saying keep your chin up. Use with caution as in some places your pecker is also your willy! Of course, here in the US that is exactly the case. I just had to call everyone I know and work it in to the conversation, because it made me giggle. And when my daughter came home form ballet class and told me that her teacher, Clarence kept telling her to keep her rear end tucked down, all I could say is..."Well, you should have told him to keep his pecker up." I am so immature! Nah, I just love to laugh, and this kept me going all day. Still didn't find the slang I need but maybe I can find something even better tomorrow. Until then, you know what to do!

Holidazy

2005-11-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about the Holidays that makes me crazy. (I know...I hit crazy about four kids ago) I have been in a frenzy since about 3:00 in the morning. I have been cleaning because I have people coming over... 4 of them.

Yes, I said 4. And damnit they are family to boot. They have seen my house looking like a litter box, yet for Thanksgiving it has to look like some obsessively clean person lives here.

That is not me. I love it to look this way, but I am just not that organized on a daily basis. I even rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned all the carpets and trimmed the hedges so the front of the house looks welcoming.

You may be asking when the hell I turned into Martha Stewart.

I have no fucking idea.

My best guess is that I feel so crazy through the Holidays that I need to find something I can control. (How's that for a dime store analysis?)

Hope your Thanksgiving is blessed!

Keep your pecker up!

Ali

Time Waster

2005-11-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

Your Monster Profile

Grim Cannibal

You Feast On: Pickles

You Lurk Around In: Shopping Malls

You Especially Like to Torment: Republicans

What's Your Monster Name?

Love is...

2005-11-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

Love is...

A big brother and a shared bowl of Cocoa Krispies.

Julian and Pippa

2005-11-15T02:03:00.000-08:00

You see the light at the end of the tunnel. You stand in admiration, as your day has finally come. It has been a long road. It has been a difficult road. But you struggle, you remain vigilant only to reach this moment when you can finally.......

.......SPLAT!

Yes, it seems every time I spy a light at the end of the tunnel, there is a train attached to it.

I MUST find a different kind of tunnel.

Know when to stop.

2005-11-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

Let me just leave you with a little short blog for my darling husband, henceforth to be known as Shithead.

Tonight is a late night for me. I pick the kids up at school and shuffle from one end of the earth to the other and never see my house again until about 8:30- 9:00. He meets me at ballet (when the 4 year old's class is over) and takes the four that have been joyriding with me back home while I stay until Tallulah's classes are over, between 7:30-8:00. I told him I made dinner for them and it just had to be heated. Did he say thank you? Did he say, great? No, what he said was...why. Why? Why! I explained that it was the only way I could make sure he was poisoned. Shithead.

Then he was telling me of a co-worker's wife. Apparently she is tiny. A little taller than me but tiny.

(Let me take a moment to explain to you that I am five feet tall, I weigh just over 100 lbs. I am not stick thin but pretty damn small by any measure. AND I HAVE HAD FIVE KIDS!)

So, to continue my story he says, "I mean she is tiny. Like you WERE, when we first got married."

(Before my wedding I was so nervous I lost down to like 82 pounds and looked like a walking skeleton.)

All I can say is, "Learn when to stop, SHITHEAD!"

Good thing he's so cute or I might trade him in.

Casting a SPELL

2005-11-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

Julian, My second grader is having spelling difficulties. I think there is a spelling gene that he is just missing. He has a list of twelve words, which they use in class and in homework all week. Still, at the end of the week, after we have spent countless hours on these words, he is reduced to tears and claims of being stupid. I have to remind him that he is NOT stupid, irritating maybe (the sound of whining is like a nails on a chalkboard) but definitely not stupid. Anyway, we quiz, write the words over and over and over (and over) yet they still don't seem to stick in his sweet little mind. He came in at about one o'clock in the morning and said, "I'm going to fail the test." As I sat there watching his little lip quiver, I just thought there is NO reason for a seven year old to be this upset and worried, over ANYTHING. So I gave him a hug and said, "So what? The world will keep spinning. Yu-gi-oh will still be on. And I will always love you and think you are brilliant. Just do your best and let it go." That made him happy. It made me feel horrible that he worries ths much. So, I wrote the teacher a note and asked for her to send them home on Fridays instead of Mondays so we can have more time. And if all else fails....Screw it! There's always spell check.

Call me Harvey!

2005-11-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Funny how you can live somewhere for years and not really get to know your neighbors. I have lived in my house almost 14 years. Neighbors come and go. I can't always keep up. Basically, I have never regarded it as the friendliest neighborhood.

Then, all of a sudden, you realize how wrong you really are.

I went outside to paint a wooden box. In that 15 minute span, I think EVERY person in my neighborhood drove by my house. Some of them twice!

They honked, smiled and waved! VERY friendly people! I waved back, thinking what a nice place this is to live. About that time, I finished painting. I took one last look around my sweet neighborhood and went inside.

As I stepped through the glass door, I caught a glimpse of my reflection.

Earlier that morning I had put on my daughter's headband to keep my hair out of my eyes. That's ok right?

HELL NO IT IS NOT!

Not when it has large bunny ears on it. I had forgotten and been outside, painting,with the bunny ears on!

Here I was, smiling and waving at the neighbors...

Not realizing I still had the ears on.

Surprise!

They are calling to have me carted off, as we speak.

Yet, I have an overwhelming craving for carrots.

Watch out Mr. McGregor!

Beauty

2005-11-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

That's all.

Just beauty.

Things coming together,

ducks in a row,

and all that jazz.

It is a very good day

I hope yours was wonderful too.

Naked as a Jay Bird? Or not...

2005-11-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

Forgive the quality, I only had my camera phone

Is a jay bird

any more naked

than an owl or

an eagle.

So reads the sign of the TV repair shop. I love thought prevoking repair men.

Looks like someone's been getting stoned at work again.

National Drunk Writing Night

2005-11-02T22:53:00.000-08:00

You may have heard of National Novel Writing Month,

I have tried this and ended up with chapters of stress- filled garbage.

Now, I heard about NaNoDruNi (National Drunk Writing Night)

Hmmm....Sounds much more entertaining.

Can you tell I hate to workout?

2005-11-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking of how many things inspire and influence me. Everything from the fragrance of the candles (When being creative, it MUST be Jasmine) to the objects surrounding me, but especially music. When I write, I have certain play lists for each chapter, each character, even certain scenes, to put me in the right mood. We have a list for cleaning the house. I have a happy list, sad list, pissed off list, nostalgic list, etc.

As I put on my work out playlist I realized something.

Working out makes me angry.

I have no time for it, but I get so wound up with stress and nervous energy that if I don't work out I find it hard to focus. So I thought I would share my workout playlist with you. Let me know if there are any that I left off.

1. Blue Orchid - the White Stripes

2. Battle Flag- Low Fidelity All-Stars

3. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor- Drowning Pool

4. Stop- Jane's Addiction

5. Seven Nation Army- The White Stripes (I know they made the list twice. I think I only have 5 of their songs downloaded. Go figure)

6. Kiss Off- Violent Femmes

7. (I don't really need 7 but I can't have an even #) The Grouch - Green Day

Ella and Basie

2005-11-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

File this under - Makes me HAPPY!

Have you ever?

2005-10-31T11:24:00.000-08:00

Last night this woman came up and struck up a conversation with me about football. Anyone who KNOWS me, knows I am too much of a girly girl to bother with football. She was very agitated with the officials. Her hands were flying and her nostrils flaring...and from what I gather her team won, big. What the hell? Crazy football fans make me nervous...just the thought of a stadium of crazy fans is almost enough to send me into a panic attack. That and Wal Mart, but that is another story all together. I was just staring into her angry face thinking, "either I have not had enough to drink or you have had too much." But I think she was sober. I almost just asked, "Are you crazy?" but I was a little afraid of the answer I might get. Then she closed with a debate of when the Devil's Birthday is. Shit I don't know...I'm thinking close to hers. She was not debating with anyone in particular because I was the only one there and I wasn't paying attention. I finally just gave her a candy bar and walked away. That is pretty Halloween Creepy.

Boo!

2005-10-31T11:04:00.000-08:00

From The Gorillaz, a little cheerleader, The disco witch and her little cat and Alice Cooper and Crackula (a.k.a. Butt Crackula)

Finding Prince Charming

2005-10-30T20:47:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I got to attend a Fairytale ball in the class of my second grader (Julian). He dressed up as Robin Hood. They had been practicing to waltz and do a swing step, for about a month, and at the ball, they danced, had a parade, read fairy tales, and had cakes and goodies galore. When it came time to dance all the girls danced with each other, leaving the poor boys who actually wanted to dance without partners. That worked out well for me because I was able to dance with my own little prince charming. We danced a swing step to Crocodile Rock. He kept calling out the steps for me... so I wouldn't make him look stupid, one would guess. The next dance was a Waltz, but sadly one of the girls saw what a good partner he was and stole him away from me, leaving me to dance with a jilted knight. So cute!

Printed...just not the way I want.

2005-10-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the bank. Someone had written me a check (a small one) so I decided that instead of depositing it to my account, I would just go to their bank and cash it. I never have cash in my purse, so that would truly be a novelty.

Anyway...

The lady looks at me and says," I need your right thumb print in the check."

Huh? I give her the "what the hell" look.

She said, "You don't bank here," and motioned to the check.

"My fingerprints are not on file anywhere so what good does that do?" I ask.

"Just do it."

"Do you need to swab my mouth and get a urine specimen also?"

She didn't think it was too amusing. I, however am still amused, and perplexed. What is all that about? I don't know but by God they have my fingerprints now.

If I so much as lift a can of soup six states away they can...Do nothing.

But it sure dresses up the check that will be returned to the person who wrote me a check in the first place...I wonder if he has a collection?

Just asking?

2005-10-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

Is there something supremely wrong with a 6 year old enjoying wearing his cup for soccer? It may have something to do with the fact that he keeps knocking on it and yelling "Guess who's home!"

I'm just asking...That's all.

Guess what the cat drug in...

2005-10-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's own scrawny ass.

My daughter heard a cry outside the door and yelled, "Pandora's home!" apparently the adventure was not all she thought it would be. Looks like she got in a fight also...I would guess she won.

I am off to bed...Been walking the neighborhood, in the cold for several nights looking for the stupid animal. I am relieved.

Now, I shall sleep.

Sweet dreams! Ali

This boy is not right!

2005-10-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

Morning conversation at the Bohemian Princess Home:

Julian: Mom, I think I twisted my foot

Me: Thank God you didn't twist your butt.

Julian laughed and forgot about his foot hurting.

Two minutes later Twisted Boy Gabriel chimes in with

Gabriel: Mom?

Me: Yes, Gabriel

Gabriel: I think I twisted my crotch...(laughing hysterically)

Because apparently you get extra points for throwing the word crotch into the conversation before 7:30 am.

Cat Karma...

2005-10-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

These are my cats, Pandora and Merlin. I have never been a cat person (we also have three dogs) until Pandora showed up on the coldest day of the year about three years ago. We tried to find her home and finally figured that she had been left by someone who did not want to deal with finding homes for the kittens. So, me, being the mother of five and supreme nurturer, took the cat in.

Less than a week later another cat showed up on my doorstep, the bum. It was ten degrees outside.... You know the deal. Now, there were two. I surprisingly became a cat person. They are very self reliant. In the night, as I would sit at my computer, they would run around the house like lunatics, and make me paranoid that there was something strange in the house, chasing them...That I could not see. Cats are majestic and clean. They do things, only when they feel it is time. I can appreciate that.

My dear friend, Jun is from China. She told me that it is a "luck issue" to have these creatures choose your home. I said, "Yeah, that's just because, to you, they were dinner." Then we laughed and she explained that her family never ate domestic animals. That only the 'country people, farmers, etc.' would ever eat domestic pets. Good to know. Now I don't have to lock them up every time she comes over.

Anyway, June 4th Merlin vanished. He never went outside, even if you tried to carry him with you to get the mail, he would fight to get back in the house. This cat vanished. We searched, went door to door, blanketed the neighborhood with flyers...Everything we could think of. He never showed up. We bought a collar for Pandora, so if she ever got out we could at least know she had a tag. Then two nights ago I went to check on the children and animals. Pandora was not at the foot of any bed. She was not by my computer desk. She has also vanished. We have been searching...but she is just gone. Prompting the question: Is there is a feline devouring, black hole, in my house? I walked the neighborhood several times through the night, hoping to hear her little bell. But no luck.

See, there is that luck word again.

My luck has not been all that good the last two years...Maybe the luck they brought was not the best. Maybe they vanished with all their bad karma. Yet still, I want my cats back. I miss the sound of their purring. The house feels sad without them.

Twitchy Bitch!

2005-10-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

I so fucking Rock!

For anyone who doubts it...click the link!!!

Just click the title of this post!!!

and who says having a daughter who terrorizes the house with the camera resulting in the "Bitchy look" pictures is a bad thing?

Not for me! I wear it well !

Woo Hoo!

Finished...

2005-10-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

The manuscript is finished. My printer just whirred off all 71,542 words, 437 pages of it. I am just about to start a pot of coffee and read through from beginning to end. That is creative promise. That is a satisfaction. This is a good day. Hope yours is wonderful!

Apparently my Boots Were Made for Kicking Ass... Caution! Extreme Rant

2005-10-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

In the last two days I have dealt with more ridiculous attitudes than I thought humanly possible. So, if you happen to be one of the few people, on my payroll, that I haven't pissed off yet...Take a fucking number. Your day is rapidly approaching.

I am tired of paying people to teach my children, or instruct them in their arts, only to have them tell me what to do, how I should feel, or kill the beautiful spirit these children posses.

I am the consumer! I pay you to do a job, make me happy.

I never responded well to authority when I was in school, much less when I am paying someone, to not do their job well and tell me how to feel about it.

I have paid for the right to tell you what I think.

I have paid for the right to disagree

I have paid to have my children in the best environments and to be treated respectfully. Do not crush their spirit!

Let's face it...If anyone is going to screw my kids up, it should be me.

Angry? You betcha.

So, I may be only five foot nothing and a hundred pounds, but Tinkerbell's not putting up with this shit anymore.

She puts bottles on her fingers and clinks them together....Warriors! Come out and plaaeeay!

Does anyone have a cigarette?

************* RANT OVER*************

could use an angel...

2005-10-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Virtual Smoke Break

2005-10-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

Not quite the same thing...

2005-10-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

a crash startles

and alerts her

to the fact that

someone is here

a pounding heart

a shallow breath

a moment too late

2005-10-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Storms brewing

like a lover's kiss

turbulent crescendo

deception pressed upon

their lips

betrayal searing

the soul

lasting impressions

Waiting

2005-10-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

she will lie quietly

in the mist

until a light appears.

it is imminent.

she is certain...

almost

the rustle of doubt

infiltrating her soul

flickering,

fading

Never Gonna Happen Again...

2005-10-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

For those who says I never put pictures of myself on the blog...Here you go!

It will not likely happen again.

My oldest daughter has been terrorizing the house with her digital camera.

Most of the evidence has been erased .

Ignore the work space with one too many cups of coffee...etc.

Anyway, this is me and Pippa (graffiti girl) who is a little upset because I took the Sharpie away after she wrote all over Chapter 25.

But do check out the boots!

M - i - c - k - e - y ----- M - o - u - s - e

2005-10-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

Some people find a potato that looks like Jesus.

They sell it for a million on ebay.

This spreads good fortune and blessings in every direction.

What do you suppose God is telling me?

I guess I am just too commercial for that shit.

Oh well, I dig the Mickey potato anyway.

How was your Nightmare?

2005-10-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I was working,

(Yes, I did say working. All of my procrastination enablers had taken flight)

I began to get quite sleepy. When, up on my monitor pops an IM from my dear friend that had a link to follow. We will just call him GANDHI for now. With a British accent. I can almost always count on him to make me smile, or laugh like a 12 year old. What do you suppose he sent me?

Any takers?

You would never guess anyway...One of you might...(Shithead!) It was the most disturbing, gory images. What the fuck was Gandhi thinking?

It did manage to WAKE me up...I may never sleep again. I don't shake images well, so I kept seeing it over and over...and over.

Pacifist, my ass!

You owe me happy thoughts.

To which I see him rolling his eyes..."Whatever!"

Some days it sucks not to be Bono.

2005-10-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am just thinking....Some days it sucks not to be Bono. How many people can sing riveting lyrics like, " A mole, digging in a hole, digging up my soul, now going down excavation..." and actually make it sound cool. Try it, "a cat, trying to read a map, wants to take a nap, now screaming 'fucker, get me coffee'." Nah, it just doesn't work. I am so productive. Doesn't it just astound you? Shhh... She must work more diligently. Over half way there.

Shhh...I should be working.

2005-10-03T03:13:00.000-07:00

I know. I am feeling chained and trapped at the desk and damn if the internet does not call to me like a tempter in the middle of the night, or early morning, as it may be.

The phone too. It seems my tempters come in all shapes and sizes (measures).

Work, I must work. I detest inputting information. I am revising, and now I am bogged down with changes and corrections. It feels so anti-creative. I want to be working on the next book. It is calling to me with a plea of creative promise. That is my new drug of choice. Creative Promise. It is a most satisfying feeling. And I am, at the moment unfulfilled. It makes me sad. I thank my distractions. Especially the ones that make me laugh. I shall work and await my next distraction...Soon please. I can only wait so long. Don't ask how long or I may fall prey to a rather distracting answer.

Peace and productivity...

Ali

"Sir, put your pants back on and go inside the house."

2005-09-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

So, as I am standing in my kitchen making a cup of coffee, I hear a police siren let out one, quick scream. I am not used to having police in my neighborhood, so it threw me a bit off guard. Not as off guard as I became when I heard the policeman say (over his bullhorn) "Sir, put your pants on and go inside the house. Sir! I said put your pants on and go back inside the house!"

Hmmmm.

I quickly scan the room for my six year old who likes to be naked and thinks that everyone wants to see his pride and joy (!) then I realized that he was safely in school. Thank God!

Then I am realizing there is a naked man outside my house. I am thinking....Shouldn't he have said, go inside, THEN put your pants on? Also, which house is he telling him to go in? What the hell if it is mine? Do I want some naked guy wandering in my house? Hmmm, who is it again? Nah, no naked weirdos invited.

I step out on my back porch and look for the naked man. I see the police man out of his car at my neighbor's house, behind mine. No, naked guy. I don't even know who it was. I am pretty sure the neighbor has an elderly gentleman living with her. Father, grandfather, something like that. I don't know what that was about, but it was pretty damn interesting. "Sir, put your pants back on and go in the house."

Alrighty, then...(I am so laughing my ass off!)

Need I say, keep your pecker up?

And if you do not understand that, go to my archives and read the post with that title.

Have a great one! Ali

Go-Go Boots.....

2005-09-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, it is 77 degrees here today...

I can't stand any longer...

must ...

wear...

the

go go boots!

Don't care if it is hot. Don't care if I look silly. I am just excited that this is the most pressing thing on my mind (so far) this morning.

Keep your fingers crossed it stays that way!

Cold mice everywhere are rejoicing!

2005-09-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

Finally, there could be help for freezing mice worldwide. All this time I had been considering knitting tiny sweaters for those little suckers. Whew! What a relief!

Click the title to link to the page

If you needed a time waster...

2005-09-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorites. Try Home Run 2004. My best is 97 meters. Let me know.

Ali

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

Either click this post's title, or copy and paste link.

Death by (old) chicken ingestion...

2005-09-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

What the hell? If anyone knows, please clue me in. I found this written in one of my writing journals...not a clue as to why.

Soccer today was interesting. At the half, we were ahead 1-0. In the end we lost 6-2. Better. I did not even get thrown out for cursing a blue streak. Of course, one of the dad's favorite mantra is "Well, fuck me twice!" I am pretty sure he would be tossed before me.

I have much to do and little time to write. Tell me something interesting. I need a good story. Not to mention where the chicken thing came from....My mind is jello.

Have a happy Sunday. Ali

Inspiration

2005-09-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing to do but wait. The silence is deafening. Can you hear her yet? I know she is close, just beyond my line of vision. The shapeless figure at the end of the walk, gliding, slowly in and out of sight. Wanting to stay, but never to be bound. She is the elusive source of inspiration. Called by so many, answering in her own time. Because time means nothing in the eyes of creativity. You must be vigilant. Your search will be for nothing, if she does not wish to be found. Lure her softly in times of peace, loudly in times of war, and by the sound of weeping in the days of sadness. She prefers the sadness. She is passed over in contentment, feeling useless, she wisps away, like the remnant of smoke from a match, recently burned out. Only to return when the time presents. I stand ready and waiting. Coffee is brewed, the pencils are freshly sharpened, papers only slightly ascuffle. I faithfully await the arrival of the Muse.

Another Hell in a Handbag Kind of Day...

2005-09-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, five kids!

2005-09-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

It is funny, when I meet someone new, all they can do is bombard me with questions and comments about my five children. It begins with the usual, "Five kids? You look great! You do not look old enough to have five kids!" See, that is great. Except for the fact that they assume I should be an old looking hag at this point. If only they would stop there. They then usually feel the need to comment further and delve into my sex life. I have compiled a list of questions and answers that I believe will take care of this once and for all. Take a look and see if I have all bases covered:

Q1. Are you insane? A- Why yes, of course! We come from a long line of insanity!

Q2. Don't you have any self control? A- Maybe a little. ( I am not pissed drunk and smoking...yet)

Q3- Are you Catholic? A- Yes, but we DO NOT have sex in church. That is actually frowned upon...Go figure.

Q4- Don't you have a TV? A- Of course we do...how else would we watch our porn?

Q5- How do you even have sex with five kids in the house? A- Do you want me to draw you a diagram?

Q6- Are you going to have more? A- Oh, hell yes (not really), we think the government sucks...We are planning a takeover.

Q7- Are you always such a smart ass? A- Always...don't you know me at all?

As Always...Keep your pecker up!

Disturbing....

2005-09-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Is there something slightly disturbing about a one and a half year old being obsessed with the Gorillaz? We discovered this one day while watching the video for Clint Eastwood. She ran over and stood mesmerized. We can stop a "come apart" dead in it's tracks by playing (also her favorite lullabies) Feel Good Inc. or Dare. Her favorite words are: sunshine, noodle and shake it, shake it.

Whatever works...I am onboard

What were they thinking?

2005-09-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

I am a writer. I am a mother of five, deranged, beautiful children. I am helplessly unorganized (though I cover this pretty well). I curse, way too fucking much. I have opinions about everything. I express myself too clearly...and I am President of the school board of my children's School.

What the hell were these people thinking?

This is my second or third year (I can't remember...It seems like forever). The problem is that they want someone who will be a "yes man". I am NOT Condoleeza Rice! I want to make things better. I want to help improve the school. We have a good group of people that are dedicated to making things better, yet we are continually shot down by the principal, Priest and asshole (Oh, I mean treasurer). I need to resign...I want to resign...I am too stupid to resign. They don't want me. They just want a body to warm the chair and I am growing cold. They want someone to run the meeting, then step aside and let them do as they wish.

That is not me.

I do not want to be that person. I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall for years. I just feel like I have to be responsible and ride out my term. But, if I have nothing to offer and I carry the stress and resentment around like a gaping wound, why am I doing this?!

I'll tell you why

1. I love my kids and want the school to be wonderful, for them.

2. I don't want people to think I can't do EVERYTHING.

I can't....I admit it. I am human and imperfect...Completely. I still don't know what I'll do. Maybe I will figure it out. Probably not. This is not very good for creativity. I need to clear it away.

To Hell in a Handbag

2005-09-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

But what a way to go...

Kanye West...

2005-09-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Just have to take a moment to discuss the comments made by rapper Kanye West on the telethon to raise money for these people devastated by Katrina. I resent the fact that he breaks it down to a racial issue. The fact that he shocked the hell out of Michael Myers was actually quite amusing. Then he ends it with "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Well first of all lets clarify a little bit, George Bush doesn't really care about the American people that much, black, white, what have you, unless it suits his political agenda. I think there were so many screw ups in New Orleans it is hard to single out just one thing. I could narrow it down for you, but I don't want to go off on a major tirade. I think now they just need to focus on the task at hand which needs to be getting these people settled since they will not be able to return to New Orleans. This was such a horrible disaster, I wish people would try to be helpful and active and stop this senseless garbage.